Annya's Enchanted Realities

I was lying there, surrounded by sterility, overwhelmed by hormones and emotions. Strangers stood around me, surrounded by flashy medical equipment and lights, making me even more terrified. Suddenly, I could feel someone placing some kind of mask over my face, and I heard them say, “Count 1 -10 backwards.” I had no other choice but to comply, so I began counting, “10, 9, 8…” As I started counting the numbers backwards, I drifted away and fell into a dream, or perhaps it was my subconscious mind.

I had just given birth to a boy, and I had already made some arrangements so that his parents could have him. Yes, though he is my biological son, as you all know, I had recently walked out of my abusive marriage and found out I was pregnant. I have already lost all hope, future, and also my career. I had no idea how I was going to survive any of it, and now I found out that I am pregnant. I didn’t want my child to suffer because of the decisions I have made. At the same time, I also didn’t want this child to push me back into the hell that I walked out from. So I decided then and there that I will give up the baby for adoption.

I started to research it. But being in India made these things even harder. Everything was just so black and white here. But I finally found some way around it. I had known a couple that had been trying to have a baby for years, but they had settled down in the States. I had been in contact with the couple about it. No one was supportive of the decisions I had made, but they didn’t know half of the things I’ve been through, and I didn’t want the kid to suffer.

The reason I chose these couples to be my kid’s parents is that, the obvious – they’d longed to have a baby for so long. Next is that they are a fairly settled family and they’d be able to provide a safe and secure environment for the baby. Whereas, if I had the baby, society would have forced me to go back to the abusive marriage for the sake of the child, and every day the child would be raised in an abusive environment that would do no good for him. 

Even though I decided to give up the child for adoption, the child’s parents and I had an agreement that I would always be a part of his life. So we decided on something called ‘Open adoption,’ which is a famous practice around the United States. It was decided that I would be known to him as his Godmother, and when the time is right, we’d tell him about me. I also told the family that I would contribute to his future in any way I could so that I would feel that I did right by my kid.

I chose a really remote clinic in India for my childbirth. I had already called in the couple as I was due the following week. My family and the couple were right outside the operation theater, and I had made some arrangements for the paperwork for adoptions as well. The lawyer had come in too. I was brought to the room, and I refused to see the kid. I was too afraid that if I saw the kid, I’d change my mind. But my emotions were all over the place.

My family, friends, doctors, everyone came into the room one after the other and tried to talk me out of it. But I had promised a couple a baby. I can’t crush their hope, and I was thinking about the kid too. If I raised the kid on my own, it would take ages for me to give him the life that he deserves. But by giving him up, he could have a very comfortable life and good studies and a future. 

Before the paperwork was through and the couples went back to the US, I had one week’s time to hold and nurture the baby. Whenever I was nursing him, I would feel guilt, happiness, sadness all hitting me at the same time. I told the couple that my son should be raised in a way that he respects women, and how he should be raised right. My son should be an example to men like my ex, on how a man should treat a woman – be it his mom, wife, friend, or his kid. That was when I would know that I made the right decision, and the couple said that we all will do it together.

It was the day of departure. The couple had come to pick up their kid. I was holding him and gazing into those baby eyes with all the love. As they took him off my hands, he began crying. His cry made my heart grow heavier and heavier. As the couple walked towards the door with the kid, something peculiar happened. I could hear the child’s cry literally inside my ears. I was trying to make sense of it. My eyes were filled with tears. Then I heard the doctors say, ‘Annya, open your eyes. Look at your baby. She’s so beautiful.’

I couldn’t believe what I heard. I tried to open my eyes. The anesthesia was slowly wearing off, and I was able to slowly open my eyes. I caught a glimpse of my baby. I said, ‘She’s mine and mine only,’ and fainted on the table again. For the next 24 hours, the baby and I were both under observation, and then a day later, we were brought into our room. That weird dream I had while I was on the operating table made me realize how I would feel if I had given up my child for adoption.

Yes, I did decide to give up the child for adoption, but they backed out at the last minute, and I was angry at everyone. But that dream made me realize how guilty I would feel and how meaningless my life would be. If anything, that dream only made me more motivated as to how I should raise my kid independently and with the courage to face anything. It also taught me that I should stay strong and fight for my kid. On the day of release from the hospital, they asked me what name they should put on the birth certificate. I told them ‘A. Erin Sheeba’. I didn’t want to put her father’s name as her initials because he had nothing to do with her, and to prove to the world that the world is changing and a single mother can be all to her child.

I looked into Erin’s eyes, and at that moment I saw a future filled with endless possibilities. Yes, I knew there would be challenges ahead as a single mother, but I was ready to face them head-on. It’s been eight years now. She is in her first grade. I try to teach her to be as independent as possible and instill in her the values of respecting people, understanding others, and also never being shy to put herself first if it is necessary. One thing that life has taught me is that you need to live for yourself and not for others.

When she falls down, I don’t go and pick her up. Instead, I cheer her on to get back up. When she fails, I don’t yell; instead, I tell her to do better next time, and if she doesn’t understand, to keep asking until she does. If she says she wants to become a beauty salon professional, I don’t demotivate her. I say if that is what you love, then put your efforts into becoming one. Many may say that my parenting is wrong, but this is how I know to do it, and I am not going to change it because someone says so. I think this is the right thing to do. If I find my methods are not working, I will find the method that works and will make sure to implement it and teach the same to my kid as well.